The soft buzzing and thumping on the window caught my attention. I watch the house fly repeatedly hurl itself toward the window, confident of its escape despite the uncounted attempts it has made before, but maybe the next one. I am amused at the fly’s confusion, oblivious to the nature of the impenetrable barrier that has prevented its passage to the outside world. Buzz, thump. Buzz, thump.
My amusement fades as I now sympathize with its plight and its frustrations as I similarly smash myself against the impenetrable barrier that is myself, my imagination. I hurl my words against the page one by one, only to realize that I am not getting anywhere, no progress to be made, but I, too, continue to assault the page unrelenting. Maybe the next word. The next paragraph.
I destroy everything and begin again, but I find a sense of calm in this destruction. Like a sand mandala, I recognize the impermanence of it and change my state of mind, allow the process to complete itself, and give in to it. Thump, buzz, another word.
Chapter 30. How many versions are there? How many more? Will the next word, sentence, or paragraph enlighten me to move on to its completion? Yes, and then, I will begin again until I am finished and at peace.
The truth is that I have written and rewritten several versions of chapter 30. Each one gets a little closer, but I have typed and deleted more words in this one chapter than anything I have written before. And the funny thing is that it is not one of the “important” chapters. It’s not a chapter that needs a special message, clue, or red herring. Even this post had more than one version. I started it, but it read like I was complaining or whiney about the lack of progress. I am not a fly that can not see the glass it smashes itself against. I know there is a way around it.
Hand-prints of Darkness 
Yeah I totally know that field. Sometimes it feels like I’ve been working on this manuscript forever, and I still haven’t gotten anywhere. But like you said, it’s in the creation itself. And as long as I’ve done that, I’m happy.
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Thank you for your comment! I’ve gotten past it, at least what I’ve written is good enough to keep things in a forward direction. Ironically, I might cut it in final editing. Lol
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Oops, ‘feel’ btw. Am experimenting with voice to text for comment and it’s definitely not perfect lol
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No problem I speak fluent typo
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I understand the dilemma. I’ve been working on some of my own writing and recently I’ve been doing more editing and rewriting than anything and that can get frustrating sometimes. I think as writers we are never fully satisfied with our writing whether it’s a book, blog post or anything.
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Very true, one of my favorite sayings “It takes 2 people to paint, 1 to do the painting. The other to tell him to stop.” It applies to all creatives, I think.
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